Search me!

Jack BauerI get visitors from search engines all the time. As you probably already know, people search for some weird stuff. Unfortunately I don’t get the hilarious search phrases all the cool bloggers get and mock, so I’ve never had enough funny searches that would warrant a blog post. Until today, that is, when someone hit buttonmashing.com searching for:

how to become a jack bauer

Wow. I don’t have anything witty to add to that. I simply want to meet the man (or woman) who wants to become a Jack Bauer and shake his or her hand.

On a 24-related side note, I stopped watching 24 a few weeks ago and started watching Heroes again. 24 got stale and jumped the shark with the whole “save Audrey from the Chinese” storyline. Did I make a mistake? Or was it still an over-the-top cheesefest?

Survival guide for coming into contact with Jack Bauer

Jack BauerAs I was watching today’s episode of 24, I got to thinking about why some characters have to get whacked. Why can’t at least some of the good people make it? Like the bank manager from last week’s episode. He didn’t have to die, did he? Evidently there’s some Grim Reaper-pheromone that surrounds Jack that, when you absorb it, the sickle is coming down on you. Maybe not this hour, but it’s going to happen. So I thought of a few survival tips for finding yourself in Jack’s path. It will at least help you determine whether or not you’re going to become a Jack Bauer meat shield:

  • Did you just come into contact with Jack Bauer in the last five minutes, having previously never met him? Is your utility come to an end? Sorry, you’re going to bite it
  • Are you a terrorist with a really good accent? Kiss your Jihad bye-bye.
  • Have you survived at least two other 24-hour periods with Jack (and you’re not his daughter)? I hope you said goodbye to your loved ones
  • Are you or have ever been romantically involved with Jack and not betrayed your country? Congratulations. You may survive but you’ve bought yourself quite a few painful hours of torture and agony. Possibly at Jack’s hand
  • Are you chubby (or otherwise unattractive) and talk with a lisp (*cough* Edgar *cough*)? Sorry, but your end is going to be exquistely painful.
  • Is your name Aaron Pierce? Lucky you. You’re like a Bauer-in-training or something. But I still worry that you’re going to go the way of the Edgar. In a patriotic, selfless manner. With lots of blood.

That’s just a friendly survival guide from a guy who knows. Just don’t ask me how I know. I just do.