Video Game Awards 2004

9:06 – Just logged on, fricking laptop took forever to boot up. Anyway, here we are, and watching the opening act made me go YAWN. Let’s get to the games.

9:10 – Hmm, Snoop doesn’t do it for me. Neither does his co-host. No bother, I’ll deal with it. Geez, the writing sucks already. No feeling, just going through the motions. Okay, first award for female in a game. So far, outside of NFSU, the games are lame. Brook Burke. No comment here (in case the ButtonWife reads this)

9:15 – I love those AOL “I want my computer to make the sound of a Yeti” commercials. They make me laugh.

9:17 – Hmmm, this is degenerating more and more to the lowest common denominator. But Bam just came on, I dig Magera. They’re announcing the “Viewers Choice” – I’ll go out on a limb and predict that they are stacking the deck so Katamari Damacy wins, to appear “hip” and in touch with gamers, but my vote is for Burnout 3.

9:22 – The first non-surprise, Halo 2 wins best FPS. The footage they used wasn’t very flattering compared to the other games. I love Ron Perlman and I know he was involved in Halo 2, but let the guys from Bungie talk.

9:30 – OOOOoooh a world premier of a crappy game based on classic movie! From those artists at EA, no less. Gag. Now the award for best driving game.(oops, I’m sorry, “The Pontiac GTO Best Driving Game”). My money’s on Burnout 3, that game is some serious fun. But with only three games. Yup.

9:34 – I love Ribisi (when he’s Phoebe’s brother) but I can’t stand Sum 41, I’m gonna go read Video Game Omsbudman’s comments and watch some Scrubs. Good stuff there.

9:44 – Best song in a game. Shouldn’t that be something like “Def Jam Best Song in an EA game”? < -- I wrote that before they announced the nominees. What a freaking joke, all songs were from EA games, all top-40 pop, Blech. I don't care who wins that one. 9:52 – Best Mass multi-player game? WTH is that? At least the gave the DS the “Best New technology”. Most of those awards were weak. 9:57 – Almost an hour into the “Award Show” and I’ve supressed the gag reflex twice, felt guilty watching at least thrice, pitied myself as I write this, and hope for something redeeming in the next hour. I’m not counting on it, but you never know. 10:01 – No one makes fun of Christopher Walken. That was the lamest bit yet, the “failed audtions”. Samuel L. Jackson is a bad dude, though. I don’t play PS2 games, but GTA:SA looks fun. 10:11 – I wish Snoop would put that Xbox controller down. Why is he holding it? It’s obviously not a wireless controller, it’s driving me nuts. On the otherhand, Vin Deisel is a handsome man. 10:16 – Commercial break and then Motley Crue. I’m going to tuck my wife in, I need to get away from the TV before I gouge my eyes out. 10:30 – I’m tired of the musical acts beeing constantly muted while they saying naughty things. Gimme a break. And I forgot to mention earlier – Fable is the RPG of the year? I’ll go with that, if RPG means really pathetic game. 10:39 – Oh good, another video game first-look, Fear and Respect. Looks like another game I’ll be skipping. But now it’s Malcolm in the Middle. He’ll be the most believable, I’m sure. Welp, after that line, that went out the door. He’ll regret it. Anyway, Viewrs Choice is… Burnout 3 – just as I though. Good for them, I concur. The guy who did the voice for Burnout 3 is single-handledly redeeming the rest of this craptastic award show. 10:48 – Exactly who I associate video games with – Ludacris, Method Man, and Redman. So the moment we’ve all be waiting for, Game of the Year. My money’s on Halo 2, but I wouldn’t be surprised if it was GTA:SA (considering the hip-hop slant of the award show) 10:51 – Wow, I was right, it was GTA. I’m actually surprised it wasn’t Burnout 3, considering how much of an EA love-fest the show has been. 10:53 – Hey, Spike TV! I want those two hours of my life back. I have no idea what Motley Crue has to do with Video Games and your show was quite possibly the worse way to spend two hours on a weekday night. I think you surpassed the crapiness that was last years show. Motley Crue and Snoop Dogg on the same stage, singing the same song. The Apocalypse is upon us. I’m gonna go play some Halo 2 on Live. I’ll check in later.
Update: Thanks to Kotaku for the link on their VGA review post (and all the traffic they’ve sent my way). If you’re coming via Kotaku, welcome! Did you think the Video Game Awards sucked as much as I did? Hopefully you’ll take the time to read some of my other ruminations, realize how insightful and witty I am, and you’ll come back for more. Or leave in disgust, wondering how someone could be so wrong. Either way, enjoy!

Update 2: Not quite a “slashdot” but I’ve also been linked via games.slashdot.org. It’s quite an honor, I will admit. I’ve read slashdot for years, but never thought I’d get linked. So welcome slashdotters, too!