This is long. Forgive me in advance.
I honestly believe that Star Wars as an intellectual property has degraded in quality since 1999. The only thing that gave me a glimmer of hope was the character and casting of Mace Windu and the incredible CGI of a three foot tall green creature.
As a whole, I’ve not walked away totally satisfied. However, this is not a Star Wars diatribe.
Star Wars: The Force Unleashed was released this week with a lot of fanfare. George Lucas even showed up at a San Fransisco Best Buy to promote the release. My local Gamestop called me on Monday and welcomed me to the midnight release of the game. I didn’t go.
This was a game that I specifically ignored the hype, “professional” reviews, and other online craziness that is associated with video games. I was getting it based on the demo alone. I had fun with the demo. It was short and the display of force powers I found to be intriguing.
Tuesday afternoon, I spent what was left of some store credit and picked up the game. Later that evening after the boys were in bed, I gave it a try. What’s this? I get to play as Darth Vader? Joy of joys.
Vader walks down the ramp of the shuttle and literally struts his way through Chewbacca’s home planet. I’m tossing wookiees and force choking my path to the goal. Along the way I notice that I might occasionally be attacked from the rear without warning or I’ll be hit from some blaster fire off screen. That’s interesting. I don’t remember that happening much in the demo? It’s no big deal. This is Darth Vader they are up against. The loss of health is minimal.
When three wookiees or more (or storm troopers–blast them! Get out of my way) show up on the screen the game pauses for a second or two. No, it’s not LucasArts bullet time. It stops. I thought I had inadvertently hit the pause button. Nope. The game is chugging. Interesting.
I reach the end of the level and toast the Jedi I was sent to kill. Cue the awesome cutscene of Vader adopting a son–which I actually find to be kind of creepy knowing that he has a son. Next, we cut to years later and the boy is all grown up now a shadow of the Dark Lord. Vader’s idea of testing him is to constantly put him in impossible situations and even have his protocol droid programed to kill him at any opportunity. The boy Starkiller’s job: hunt down the Jedi Vader is too lazy to go after.
The first real test for Starkiller is to infiltrate a Tie Fighter factory and kill a Jedi who is attempting to sabotage it. This is an awesome premise. I’m an Emperor’s Hand so I finally get to see where my favorite sci-fi ship of all time is made. Apparently, it’s a bunch of silver rooms that are connected with some silver hallways. It’s crammed full of saboteurs who have wonderful guns that shoot lasers so fast you twitch faster than Han shot Greedo. The best way to deal with them is to toss them aside with the Force. I guess using the Force takes too much concentration because you have to be perfectly still to use it. Dang. Twitching.
I enter some rooms and clear it out only to wait a second or two and it’s full again. Yay! It helps when you want to explore. Where did these guys come from? Didn’t I just toss someone here and just look away? Hey, where did these four guys come from behind me without warning? Oh, neat, two have laser Gatling guns. Twitching.
Eventually I reach the end and cinematically dispatch the Jedi. This cutscene raises the bar some more. He senses something…a presence he’s not felt. Wait. There’s nothing there at all.
Vader’s happy. His voices his pleasure by giving me a hot pilot to distract my training and sending me on a mini-vacation to a planet who’s entire surface is a junkyard. Neat. One planet is an entire desert, one a swamp, one a city, one a volcano, one an ocean, one a jungle, one a forest, one an ice ball, one a cloud, and I get sent to the junkyard. The goal: kill another Jedi.
It’s not too bad. Just a lot of jumping. Oops. Missed. It’s not too bad. Just a lot of jumping. Oops. Missed again. It’s not too bad. Just a lot of jumping. Oops. Missed again. I finally make it into a trash heap of an old space ship. Man, I hope the Rebellion doesn’t find out about these droids that “protect” the junkyard. Shoot. I hope the Rebellion doesn’t find out about any of these enemies for that matter. If they were to unify to fight the Empire we’d be goners.
I can’t think about that. I’ve got to drop this huge girder to make a bridge. Hmm. Some more droids. What’s this? A large driod? A little Force lightning should do the trick. I have no idea what “X” and “Y” are but I have to hit them before I see them. I wish I had Force insight. The first Jedi I killed was a little bit this way. I had to know what letter to hit before I saw them: A,B,X, or Y. Whatever that means.
Ok. The mega-droid is dispatched. I need to lower the girder. Yay for the Force. Now I just get to walk across. Hmm. Misstep. Didn’t see that coming. Oh well, I beat a mini-boss, it should have auto-saved, right?
Huh? I get to do it all over again? Ok. The mega-droid is dispatched again. I need to lower the girder. Yay for the Force. Now I just get to walk across. Made it this time. Oh, a jump. Here goes again…
Another ten minutes later. The mega-droid is dispatched again. I need to lower the girder. Yay for the Force (sigh). Now I just get to walk across. Made it. Oh, a jump. Here goes again.
Ok. The mega-droid is dispatched again. I need to lower the girder. Dang Force. Now I just get to walk across. Made it. Oh, a jump. Curse the Emperor!
The mega-droid is dispatched yet again. I need to lower the girder. Sense the Force my butt. Now I just get to walk across. Made it. Oh, a jump.
It’s then that I put my controller down, embrace the dark side, and literally Force pull the disc from the 360 tray (yeah, the tray on the console is not working right either). I hover the case in mid-air and place in the disc.
It goes back to Gamestop tomorrow. I’ll watch the cutscenes on Youtube. Take a breath.
This was a game that failed for me on all points. I so much wanted it to be good. One of my unwritten mantras is that I do not want to be frustrated playing a video game. Ever. I look at a video game as a place of enjoyment, a place of escapism. If I want to be frustrated, I’ll watch the news. This is something that I paid money to enjoy. A lot of money.
I think I’ve reached my limit of paying premiums for these games that consistently fail to deliver. I went into this with almost no expectations and it still frustrated me more than it impressed me. There is no excuse in 2008 to have to navigate a camera, fight crappy AI (filling a room full of baddies to compensate does not a good game make), navigate illusionary jumps, and repeat a large section over and over just to make a jump. The save feature on this game was pointless. You constantly were put back to the closest auto-save no matter where you saved.
I wanted to play this game to completion to write up a 2 Minute Review. I don’t even think it’s worthy of that. I’ll give you a 2 second review:
VERDICT: -, do not pick this game up unless you have a biblical dose of patience, like to be stabbed in the back, and then and only then see it in the bargain bin.
I hear the game has one of the best Star Wars stories that reaches a pinnacle higher than the recent trilogy or Clone Wars Crap. I should have saved my money and bought the book.
– When I worked in an arcade, I was a HUGE fighting game gamer. Street Fighter 2, MK and MK 2 were my personal favorites. Since then, however, I haven’t played a ton of fighting games. I had Killer Instinct Gold and MK3 for the N64. But recently, I started picking them up again. First with DOA 3 and now Soul Calibur.
– BF:BC has been out for a while now and has received relatively good reviews. As a single player game, it’s got a certain charm that separates it from other military shooters. I’m enjoying it thus far. I haven’t given the multiplayer a try yet, and since this is a GameFly rental, I doubt I will. It’s going back in the mail soon. But still a pretty fun game.
– Even though I finished GTA IV a while ago, I still love to throw it in for a few minutes and get my quota of run-down pedestrians. Once I get enough sidewalk surfing, I’m on to another game.
– I gave the original Viva the College Try but i never really did it for me. The kids sure loved it, though.
– I probably won’t be getting it. Will you?
– I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again — how does this game continue to sell? Who is BUYING IT?!
– “DUDE! Did you check out the new Rapala Fishing game on the Wii? It is intense! I landed a twelve pound large-mouth last night. It was intense!
– The assault on our children’s grammar continues.
– A slapshot with the Wiimote actually sounds like a fun time.
– Being berated by Gordon Ramsay is a dream of mine. This is my dream fulfilled.
– Here’s another sequel I missed the original on. Bummer.
– Hottest Party 2?! Squee!
– Great. We’re ruining our kids grammar and teaching them to be criminals.
– I never played the original, but I’ve heard great things about it. Why not pick up some 
and go whole hog.
– Don’t we have enough Pitfalls? (That is a rhetorical question)
– Winner for the creepy boxart of the month.
– Will it be hosted by Bob Barker or Drew Carey?
– Is it just me or is this a poorly titled game?
– I think this is the first game I’ve listed so far that I’m actually interested in picking up. RPG and tower defense all in one.
– Okay, make that two in a row. Dragon Quest on the DS should be amazing.
– Winner of the cool boxart of the month.
– Another Sony mainstay on the DS.
– Man, even commercial mascots are getting their own games!
– It’s coming. Are you ready?
– I can wholeheartedly recommend Guild Wars, if you haven’t played it before.
– Sacred is a game I’ve always been intrigued in but have never tried. Any sacred players out there?
– I think this is another sign of the apocalypse.
