Survival guide for coming into contact with Jack Bauer

Jack BauerAs I was watching today’s episode of 24, I got to thinking about why some characters have to get whacked. Why can’t at least some of the good people make it? Like the bank manager from last week’s episode. He didn’t have to die, did he? Evidently there’s some Grim Reaper-pheromone that surrounds Jack that, when you absorb it, the sickle is coming down on you. Maybe not this hour, but it’s going to happen. So I thought of a few survival tips for finding yourself in Jack’s path. It will at least help you determine whether or not you’re going to become a Jack Bauer meat shield:

  • Did you just come into contact with Jack Bauer in the last five minutes, having previously never met him? Is your utility come to an end? Sorry, you’re going to bite it
  • Are you a terrorist with a really good accent? Kiss your Jihad bye-bye.
  • Have you survived at least two other 24-hour periods with Jack (and you’re not his daughter)? I hope you said goodbye to your loved ones
  • Are you or have ever been romantically involved with Jack and not betrayed your country? Congratulations. You may survive but you’ve bought yourself quite a few painful hours of torture and agony. Possibly at Jack’s hand
  • Are you chubby (or otherwise unattractive) and talk with a lisp (*cough* Edgar *cough*)? Sorry, but your end is going to be exquistely painful.
  • Is your name Aaron Pierce? Lucky you. You’re like a Bauer-in-training or something. But I still worry that you’re going to go the way of the Edgar. In a patriotic, selfless manner. With lots of blood.

That’s just a friendly survival guide from a guy who knows. Just don’t ask me how I know. I just do.


  1. See also: Red Shirt

  2. Nice.

    Sadly, if he is with Kim – you’re probably doomed. Girl is more lethal than Omega Red.

    Also, I love how Jack is simply the only competent employee in like, the entire government. Everyone else gets shot or releases secrets or is being unwittingly used … unless they are directly helping Jack.

    As I said once on CT, I used to love 24 for being edgy and somewhat cutting edge. Now I love it for it’s shameless pulp fiction and nearly laughable plotlines.

  3. agentgray says

    24 is my favorite show, but, yeah, the large number of deaths is too much. Granted is is one day every 18 months or so…

    Killing off TOny was too much. I had just started liking the character from last season.

    I have Jack’s phone. 🙂

    Here’s another irony. I got a Dell X1 laptop, so I need small bag to carry it. I order one from Amazon. Low and behold, I find out it’s the exact same bag Jack uses.

    When Jack meets up with Robocop, it should be huge.

    BTW, what the hell is up with CTU? For being all big on security they are compromised every blessed year. My wife and I ask ourselves who’s the mole this hour.

  4. Considering you can use the ID of a person who is currently in lockdown (and like a Division head) wihout anyone batting an eyelash, I suppose we shouldn’t be surprised CTU gets infiltrated all the time. Terrorist organziations probably do it as a hobby.

  5. Peter – thanks for the link, I just now realized that the CTU security guards always have red shirts on. That’s funny!

    Josh – It does bother me that Jack is always right and the “leaders” (even the President!) defer to Jack’s judgements. I hope they make him a little more human and prone to error in the upcoming “days”

    ag – Is Jack ever without that bag? I love how he is never without it.


  1. […] Survival guide for coming into contact with Jack Bauer at […]

  2. […] I thoroughly enjoyed the 24 finale. I was surprised to see that Jack shot Henderson, but let’s be honest, he had it coming. I was also surprised to see that Rooney (I don’t remember his first name, he was the guy on the submarine) didn’t bite it, considering the fate of others that have crossed Jack’s path. Good for him. I also liked the contrast of President Palmer’s body being ceremoniously loaded into Air Force One, en route to Arlington Cemetary, while President Logan was unceremoniously loaded into a limo, mostly likely on his way to jail. Palmer was a man of honor and integrity, Logan a whiny little weasel. […]

  3. […] Where are Aaron Pierce and Mike Novick? We all know that Jack and Aaron are the only ones that will survive the apocalypse. Curtis is obvious proof of that. Jack and Aaron are like cockroaches. They can survive fricken nuclear winter. So where is Agent Pierce? […]

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